I wish you knew, that it never really went away.
I wish you knew how much strength it takes for me to get up every day.
To smile and act like it truly has faded into gray,
I wish you knew that this pain just won’t go away.
The constant replay, of every single day.
The screaming, the put downs. The crashing doors…
But then the love and the laughter that came after, and before…
Always made it feel like it wasn’t such a disaster.
And if I would let it all go we could have a happily ever after.
My tears flow less and less, now that there is no more stress.
But out of the blue like tonight
It hits me and I have to fight
With all that I have not to complete
What I started that last Friday in August…
You text me or call me and the games begin.
The ones I can never win.
You see I don’t think you know actually just how much you meant to me
And just how much you affected me.
Do you know I gave you all of me before it all got ugly.
I trusted you like no other,
I felt so alive so important at first.
Then came your anger and all I felt was hurt.
But I kept trying to prove I was worthy.
I picked myself up as you continued to put me down.
I wanted to believe I wasn’t just your clown.
Your puppet you played with emotionally.
I wanted to believe you truly loved me…
I took all the blame as you spewed it out on me.
I apologized to you constantly.
You told me and still keep telling me today,
If I had been better,
If I had truly come back to you completely and just forgot the past
Then of course we could have made it last.
But my fear and distrust outweighed our lust,
And I truly just couldn’t open up and trust.
Even though I so wanted to remove all the fear left in my heart,
I had no choice but to let you go and find a new start…
I truly am happy you found another,
The part that kills me is your calling and texting and telling me she’s such a blessing,
How she never makes you mad the way I did.
You say, see, it was all you,
Because now I don’t abuse.
You say, see, I never have to call her the things I called you,
She’s respectful and obviously knows what to do.
You say you’re happier than you’ve ever been
She’s so amazing.
But even as I wish you true happiness
You still need to try and make me feel worthless…
You question me about who I am dating
Telling me I should be waiting.
But why would you care?
My head hurts from this confusion.
You tell me if I’m seeing this one I’m losing
Or that I need to reconsider and have more class…
You even say I should value myself more.
Why is it I’m now feeling like some kind of whore?
Needless to say I can’t breathe most of the time,
I feel I need to hide and stay behind.
Just lock my door and say no more.
I don’t trust anyone or anything at all.
And it kills me because during these moments that I’m hurting
All I want to do is reach out for you…
Now you see why I felt I had no more choice
It was easier to end it all,
Than lift up my voice.
Because honestly how messed up am I
To love the one who tried to empty my soul at best,
The one who dragged me to the depths…
Maybe you’re right I’m one screwed up mess…worthless at best…
I still sit up some nights wondering about all those fights,
And if I did it all right.
Was it really me, treating you disrespectfully?
Did I make you hurt me?
You say you have never hurt any others,
And just look how happy you are with another,
So see it must be true,
“Anite it was all you…”